Lately, the second baby bug has been biting me extra hard. It never actually ever really goes away, gnawing at the corners of my heart every-so-slightly at all times, regardless of how happy and at peace I am in the moment. I’ve written before about how I put on a bit of a facade at times, fooling everyone around me, even myself at times, acting convincingly nonchalant about the idea of a second child. The truth is: I want one. I want one. I want one. I want one, and that want isn’t going away. However, I have made the decision that in the interest of preserving my sanity, emotional stability and potentially my marriage, I am not going to spend my days agonizing over the fact that we likely won’t be having any more babies. Or, at least, not naturally.
Further, I refuse to let the love and happiness I do have in my life pass me by. My son is sweet, funny, kind and amazingly intuitive. He surprises and amazes me daily, and most importantly, he brings so much joy into our lives. I can’t risk ruining our blissful family existence by climbing back onto the infertility roller coaster we rode previously for far too long. He is growing up quickly, right before my eyes, and I don’t want to miss a second of it. So, no matter how loud the voice screaming inside me is, I am choosing to ignore it and focus on being grateful for what I do have, instead of longing for what I do not.
So, I got to thinking about what some of the positives are for essentially being “one and done” (whether I want to be or not) and here is what I came up with:
- More time to focus on my son. Without a sibling, my son does not have to fight for my attention and I do not have to try and juggle sharing my affection equally amongst multiple children and can continue to grow the deep bond we have.
- Goodbye Diapers. I never have to change diapers again! My son is potty trained and my diaper days are over. No more blowout disasters or diaper rash nightmares.No more pumping or mixing formula. No more swollen breasts, heating formula or sanitizing bottles.
- Labour. 14 hours of agony, followed by an emergency caesarean. As lovely as that sounds (and was to endure…NOT), I do not need to re-live it, thanks.
- Stability aka more money $$$. More money for my son when my husband and I pass away because he has no siblings to split it with. More money for us for retirement (in theory, anyways) because we only have to feed, clothe and finance the education of one child.
- Life’s a B*tch sometimes. A perfect example to teach our son about how life isn’t always easy or fair and it doesn’t always work out as planned…AND THAT’S OK.
Now, before the hate mail starts rolling in, obviously a lot of this is written in jest. Of course I would endure all of the not-so-great pregnancy moments again in a heartbeat, if I could. And this post isn’t meant to offend anyone who has more than one child, wants more than one child, or is still battling to have their first child. It simply is a way for me to get outside of my head for a minute and make light of a situation that is sensitive and painful, and that nobody truly understands until they lived it themselves.
My deeply-rooted longing to have another child will never go away; this I know. However, on days when I find myself in tears at my desk after reading another ‘2nd child’ pregnancy announcement on Facebook, after yet another unsuccessful month of trying, I will hopefully look back at this list, attempt to smile and remember how hard some of the baby moments were. Then, as usual, I will pick myself up, dust myself off and keep on “mom-ing”, the best (and only) way I know how. ❤